The birth
of a child is life's greatest celebration of itself. Yet
when a child dies by miscarriage, stillbirth or as a newborn
infant, the parents and family are often encouraged to
respond as if the loss is less painful and has less meaning
than the death of an older child or an adult loved one. It
is upsetting to realize that those persons upon whom we
depend may not be able to respond in a helpful manner
because of the extreme anxiety felt when there is nothing
"to do", which will change the reality of death so close to
birth. Statements such as "You can always have another baby"
or "It is God's will" are most frequently offered as
comfort, but better serve to reduce the speaker's own
discomfort.
The
process of mourning with its predominant emotion, grief,
takes considerable time. When parents do not have a chance
to see, touch or to hold their dead child, family, friends
and professionals alike too often expect their mourning to
be short or absent. In contrast to such an expectation, the
death of a child during pregnancy or the death of a newborn
can be as difficult as the experience of losing an older
child or an adult loved one.
The
feelings experienced by the parents are not abnormal, nor do
they indicate that they are losing touch with reality. Many
parents may feel exactly that way! When an older child dies
or when an adult loved one dies, the mourning process
includes relating closely to the deceased by remembering
times and relationships shared. When a child dies during
pregnancy or as a newborn infant, there has been little, if
any, time to share a relationship with the child as a
separate person. As a result the parents are obliged to
mourn the loss of a part of themselves without the aid of
memories and mementoes, or at best they may have very few.
While the initial response to keeping footprints, pictures,
a name bracelet, crib card or a lock of hair may be
negative, these items take on special significance as proof
that a child existed or was expected. Naming the child,
which can be done at any time, can help to confirm what is
reality. A funeral or memorial service is appropriate
according to the parents' wishes, as is remembering the
child on anniversary dates of the birth and death.
The
feeling of the mourner that he or she is "getting worse" may
be an indication that the initial phase of mourning is
breaking down. Shock and disbelief (lasting varying amounts
of time) subside to be replaced by deep, real emotional pain
and searching for answers to questions of "Why? What did
I/we do wrong? What does this mean to me, my partner, our
relationship, our children, living or not yet born?" There
may be distinct changes in sleeping and eating patterns,
changes in the desire for sexual activity and a reduction of
energy and interest in usual activities. There can be strong
feelings of anger, depression, sadness and a sense of
confusion; all very frightening when you do not know that
this is part of a normal and necessary process.
Expectations of ourselves and of others can be disruptive.
We need to realize that while the loss of a child during
pregnancy or the death of a newborn is "over" for some when
the mother comes home from the hospital or when the funeral
if over, for the parents the mourning process has barely
begun. As mourners we need to trust our sense of what is
best for us, such as declining to attend a major family
gathering because it is expected of us. We need to ask for
support we need from others without feeling guilty for
asking, and know that our needs are real. We may have to
become educators of our friends and family members who
probably have never had similar experiences.
Mothers
and fathers can be expected to mourn and to grieve in
different ways. One spouse may believe his or her role is to
protect the other and, without meaning to, shut them out
from important decisions in which they may need to have a
part; such as funeral arrangements. One spouse may feel that
if only he or she can contain expressions of grief, they
will not add to the other's burden. That may then be
interpreted as the absence of the need to grieve openly.
With this misunderstanding each spouse may expect behavior
which the other may be unable to carry out, such as
entertaining or returning directly to work. At this point
misunderstandings abound: "He or she doesn't understand;
doesn't care." Communication is essential…honest
communication. When you are able to share your feelings,
there is permission given for your partner to share his/her
feelings as well. Sometimes it is helpful for couples to set
aside time for talking about their loss and their feelings
about it. This may provide some sense of control in a
situation where the feeling of having lost control is
overwhelming
An
immediate desire for another child can be very strong. Like
other parents who have had children die, parents who have
lost children during pregnancy or as newborn infants know
that one child cannot replace another. It is difficult to
invest in a new pregnancy while working hard to resolve the
feelings of loss from the death of an earlier child. Giving
yourself enough time to mourn the dead child is caring not
only for yourself, but also caring for the marriage
relationship and for the future child or children
Accepting
the work of mourning and grieving is painful when we have
lost not only a child, but a portion of our future. However,
it is through mourning and grieving that we heal, that we
can look to the day when we can remember that child and
smile. The desire is not to forget, but to remember without
pain. Have hope and believe that it can happen.
Taken from
Healing Hearts
